The Song of Bert and Harry: Sugar

Bert and Harry were walking along Main Street on a wet and miserable morning in late November. Both were wrapped in winter coats to keep out the cold, swirling wind.

“This reminds me of when me and the missus were on holiday in the Far East a few years ago,” Bert suddenly announced.

Harry couldn’t see the connection. “How do you mean? Can’t have been the same type of buildings as these, and it surely wasn’t as chilly as this.”

“No, different architecture,” Bert continued, “and much warmer than here, but I recall one day like this… rainy… gloomy… same brooding atmosphere. We were walking through a market area when we got separated.”

“Aw heck. You’ve got to be careful not to get lost in a foreign country.”

“It was only for a minute or so, then we found each other again, but while we were apart, a beautiful young lady suddenly appeared beside me.”

“Blimey!” Harry exclaimed.

“She looked like Miss World. Not too tall, but big brown eyes, red lipstick, a low-cut top and a very short skirt.”

“Dressed like that in the rain?”

“Well, she had a coat draped around her shoulders,” Bert chuckled. “But it was open at the front.”

“Blimey!” Harry exclaimed again. “What happened then?”

“She said, ‘hello darling’, smiled brightly, and linked arms with me.”

“That seems a bit too friendly to me. You don’t get things like that happening round here.

“I thought it must be the normal way to greet people in those parts,” Bert explained, “so I replied, ‘hello, my dear, it’s nice to meet you’. Her smile was very disarming.”

Harry wasn’t sure what to say, so he just said, “Oh.”

“It all took a bit of a weird turn then,” Bert continued. “She asked me if I wanted to buy sugar, and gave a funny little wiggle.”

Harry was gobsmacked. “Why would you want to buy sugar?”

“That’s what I thought,” his friend explained, “so I told her the truth… that I hadn’t had sugar in my tea for more than 30 years.”

“What did she say then?”

“Didn’t say another word. She just looked at me strangely for a few moments, then buttoned up her coat and walked away. I never saw her again.”

“It all sounds very strange,” Harry remarked. “The poor kid won’t be making a lot of money by trying to sell sugar to tourists, especially on rainy days.”

“Yes, it can’t be much of a living for her,” Bert remarked sadly. “If she’d had a market stall selling trinkets, souvenirs and things like that, I’d certainly have bought something from her.”

They both agreed that it was a funny old world as they continued along the street, eventually arriving at The Two Mugs café.

“It’ll be good to get out of this rain, we’re both soaked through,” Bert declared. “I’m starving… could eat a scabby horse!”

“Me too,” Harry agreed. “Do you fancy a full English with a nice cuppa tea?”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Bert concluded. “No sugar though!”