A conference room. Two GENRES sit fuming on opposite sides of a table. The DIRECTOR sits at the head, looking tired.

Okay, you two. Let’s try to work through this and arrive at a solution that helps everyone. Fantasy, would you like to start?

Yes, I—

And why do they get to go first?

Sci-fi, please do not interrupt. I simply like proceeding in alphabetical order. Fantasy? Please continue.

Thank you. This story is clearly in my genre! I have brought evidence, as you can see.

::mumble mumble::

Excuse me, Sci-fi? Do you have something to add?

Those are tarot cards.

So what?! You’ve brought labelled folders! As if this were a tax audit!!!

They’re organised chronologically by chapter with supporting evidence flagged.

Please be civil, both of you. Sci-fi, please let Fantasy finish.

Thank you. As I was saying, this story has all the hallmarks of my genre: a protagonist on a journey, prophecies—

Those aren’t prophecies, they’re predictive algorithms.

They’re written in RIDDLES!!!

Enough! Sci-fi, you will have your turn. Fantasy, do please try not to shriek. Pacing is having a lie down next door.

Oh, sorry. Look, the protagonist discovers that she has special abilities. Classic fantasy!

Due to genetic modification.

She is found by a wise mentor figure who speaks in cryptic wisdom!

And who is an AI with corrupted data.

On a quest for a powerful artefact!

Which is a battery-powered MacGuffin with a serial number.

Director!

Okay! Let’s calm down, everyone. Shall we hear the other side of the story? Sci-fi, please present your case.

Thank you. This story is clearly mine. There’s space travel, advanced technology, a strictly defined magic system—

OH! A magic system?!

Ah, a mere slip of the tongue. I meant an augmentation system. Superficially similar, I am sure, but it has clear rules and limitations.

That sounds a lot like magic! You can’t have it both ways, you know. And anyway, genre serves story, not vice versa!

Oh? That sounds very interesting, Fantasy. Can you please explain what you mean by that?

There’s the protagonist—

Who is a space cadet.

Irrelevant! She does not understand the technology. She believes her world to be magical!

Nonsense. It’s clearly technological.

Not from her viewpoint!

Are you suggesting that the presence of even a single individual who believes in unicorns will automatically turn even the hardest sci-fi opera into airy-fairy fantasy?

She’s the viewpoint character! It matters! Director, surely you can see my point.

All I see is an unsolvable taxonomic crisis. I don’t suppose you two have considered co-parenting?

ARGH! KEEP YOUR GENE SPLICING AWAY FROM MY DRAGONS!

AND YOU KEEP YOUR CRYSTALS OUT OF MY CIRCUITRY!

Okay, okay! Sorry! It was worth a try. Well, perhaps we could move on… Consider that genre is more of a marketing problem than a writing problem. So how about we finish the bloody thing first and then—

No sirree! The origin of the portals in Chapter Five requires clarification. That’s what brought us here!

Yes. That is the one thing we agree upon wholeheartedly.

Oh? Well, that’s something anyway. Have you also agreed on what these portals look like?

Blue!

With sparkly bits.

Interesting. And what do these sparkly blue portals do?

Send the team to another world!

In the blink of an eye.

Aha. Good, good. That works. Okay, why don’t we try being…vague. You know, light on the details of how these portals do the actual portalling.

Vague? How could we possibly do that when they are integral to the ancient magic woven into the very fabric of reality?!?

Light on details? Categorically not. I need them to explain how string theory can be visualised through bioluminescent particles.

They run on MAGIC!

STRING THEORY!

A sense of WONDER!

A MEASURABLE PHENOMENON!

STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU! Right, here’s my ruling: Genre does not reside in the story and instead inhabits the contract between the writer and the reader. Therefore, the portals will be written as I see fit, the readers will make their own decisions, and half of them will call it something else anyway. CASE DISMISSED!