WTF, Will! The poems 1 – 5
Venus, Adonis, Lucrece, a Pilgrim, a Phoenix, and a Turtle
By Bev Dalton
WTF, Will! The poems 1 – 5
By Bev Dalton
Well, I’d just read all of Shakespeare’s plays and I was feeling extremely showy-offy.
And yes, I’d been totally mind-blown or singularly unimpressed and all the stops inbetween. But I couldn’t say I’d read the Complete Works until I’d ploughed through the poems as well. So off I went.
Venus and Adonis
Well this was pretty racy, as you’d expect from a poem with the Goddess of Love in the title. A bit more Shakespearean soft porn, methought.
It went like this. Venus (horny goddess) wanted to shag Adonis (most gorgeous man alive), and for most of this poem she did everything she could not to take no for an answer. She’d pulled him off his horse, pinned him to the ground, and I kept thinking I was about to read the world’s most poetic rape.
And you’ve got to give her 10/10 for effort, because I genuinely thought I’d read it wrong when she told him that if he really couldn’t face kissing her on the mouth, he could always go downstairs.
Much to her bafflement, Adonis just wanted to get back on his horse and kill stuff. She pointed out that he was missing quite an opportunity here – she was Venus, after all. But no, he’d rather be off hunting (I personally thought he was VERY Greek, if you get my drift, but this didn’t seem to cross her mind).
Weirdly, even his horse would rather be shagging, having seen a mare in the distance that really did it for him.
Eventually, and probably from all that blood leaving her brain to go elsewhere, Venus fainted as if dead. Worried, Adonis finally tried to kiss her back to life – but not before he’d slapped her face a fair bit first. What a guy.
She recovered, pleaded more, and then got given a stern lecture on the difference between love and lust by Adonis (like she cared, lol!).
Then she had a vision that he’d be killed by a boar if he went hunting. So he ignored her, went hunting and promptly got killed by a boar.
Then he turned into a flower (confirming all my suspicions about him). Which is how we got the Anemone, and led to Venus deciding that all love would now have pain in it. Yeah, cheers for that, Goddess of sluts.
5/10
Not bowled over by that one, I moved on.
Lucrece
Oh sweet baby Jesus, this was worse than I expected – not because of the language (which was glorious) – but because of the content.
The rape of Lucretia may be famous (the event was said to cause the fall of the Roman Royal family, and turn Rome into a republic), but it was vile to read about.
And the fact that Shakespeare’s eloquence imbued it with incredible detail, and gave us utterly intense descriptions of Lucrece’s ordeal, only made it harder to undergo.
I mean, top marks, Will, for making it come alive so successfully and for being so clearly on her side, but zero marks for imagining that’s the experience we all wanted to share.
Did you really, for instance, have to write 39 stanzas – that’s 273 sodding lines! – of the bottom-feeding-bastard King Tarquin’s reasoning, as he justified to himself the act he was about to commit? FYI ‘she made me do it by being beautiful’ was up there, for fucks’ sake.
And what about the 56 horrible lines of him telling her (at knife-point) that unless she let him rape her, he’d kill both her and some nameless groom, who he’d then stick in her bed? He’d then claim he found them together and, of course, had to slay them for dishonouring his friend (yep, this was his good friend’s wife). From which act her whole family would be permanently disgraced.
And not forgetting the further 70 lines of her pleading with him. 70 lines! Which we have to read despite knowing from the beginning that it’s not going to do her any good.
After all of that lot I felt extremely angry and fighting the desire to go in search of a bar fight.
The poem finished with her suicide, and the revenge was that Tarquin and his family were banished. And that’s all, folks!
I found myself yelling at the book, ‘Why, when you lot are perfectly willing to castrate small boys just because they have pretty voices, can’t you do the same to this morally bankrupt, predatory reptile? And don’t stop at his balls!’
And then I had to immediately watch Bake-off to try to disinfect my brain.
1/10 for it being creepily voyeuristic.
A Lover’s Complaint
I was hoping this was going to be a complaint along the lines of, ‘I’ve got a nasty case of the withering scags and so must to my bed’. But no.
It was basically an Elizabethan County-and-Western song, of the ‘He done me wrong’ variety.
He was a pretty boy who put it about a lot (cos really not short on offers, including a nun who broke her vows for him).
She was the nice girl who was telling him to sling his hook.
Half the poem was the speech he deployed that made her finally give in, and was probably a useful ‘How to’ guide for all the young men of the time.
Cue the usual: abandonment, tears, a riverside location where she chucked away everything he’d given her (personally, I’d have sold it – lots of jewellery), and a friendly ear to tell her Dolly Parton-style troubles to.
And then, proving that she truly belonged on a daytime TV talk show, she said she’d do it again if he asked her. Sigh. There’s no helping some people.
2/10
The Passionate Pilgrim
This collection of poems were a bit of a con, as the clever money says most of these were not by Shakespeare at all.
My favourite was a slightly altered version of one that’s well known to be by Christopher Marlowe (that one that goes, ‘Come, live with me, and be my love’, in case you’re wondering).
But, they were once attributed to our Will, so my Complete Works was doing the decent thing and putting them up there, just in case. Frankly, they needn’t have bothered, because they were all a bit meh.
3/10
The Phoenix and Turtle
What can I say about this? Um. Don’t bother. Yeah, that’s what I’d say about this.
1/10
I was so close to the end now. I just had The Sonnets to go. Were they as quotable as everyone seemed to make out? Or would then end up impressing me about as much as the phoenix/turtle shit? Catch me next time for my very last Shakespeare review.
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Last time, I spoke about stories that stay with you – or more accurately, the ones that don’t. This month, I want to take some time to unpick what makes a good story. One that lives in your psyche days, even years, after the final page has been turned. I think it’s fair to say…
You Are Not Alone Most people experience rejection when querying. Beatrix Potter, author of The Tale of Peter Rabbit, got so many rejections she ended up self-publishing. Now, over 45 million copies have been sold world-wide. Rudyard Kipling was told that he didn’t know how to use the English language. F. Scott Fitzgerald was told…
Time and Head Space When I was teaching full-time, I found it difficult to fit in any writing. It’s definitely not a nine-to-three job! My evenings and weekends were taken up by planning, preparing and assessing, as well as various administrative tasks. Not to mention the demands of family and general life. However, switching to…
“He’s gonna stuff me.” “Don’t talk like that!” Collo grabbed my arms. “He’s just a twinkling fairy!” “Yeah, but look at the size of him!” “Don’t think like that! You can beat him… you’re representing ‘B’ troop. Remember your training! Don’t let him catch you… keep moving… you’re faster than he is.” “Yeah, but he…
In that heady, comforting, all-encompassing safety-net that is the deep love forged by a long life together, my soul-mate and I tried to find ‘our song’. Amongst all the haunting melodies and time-tested lyrics, surely we could find a single song that expressed the depths of our feelings for each other? He suggested some, I…
Who the hell do you think you are? I once heard that authors alternate between two perceptions of their work-in-progress. One is: ‘This is amazing! I’m a bloody genius!’ The other is: ‘This is the worst thing ever written! Ever! In the whole history of story!’ The truth, of course, is that it’s usually somewhere…
The International Children Books Illustration Exhibition opens its doors for six weeks every year at Sarmede, my home town, gathering the usual crowd of fans and supporters from various parts of the country. The Exhibition used to be held in the Town Hall of the village which has permanent mural illustrations done by the artists…
“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug. That opening line is indelibly inked in my memory. Other fictional characters captured my childhood imagination before the March sisters: Anne of Green Gables, Black Beauty, Big Red. All great stories for children. But ‘Little Women’, Louisa May Alcott’s coming-of-age story set…
The Brother has a view on modern verbiage ++ Now, c’mere ’til I tell you this. I’m all ears. What is it? The brother has barred himself from watching television above in the digs. Excuse me? Barred himself for the foreseeable future on account of him having been roaring at the TV in the residents’…
We All Have Our Own Opinions Of course we do! Life would be very boring if we didn’t. But there are elements to story that seem to be essential and universal. I’ve listed some below but it’s not exhaustive and I’m interested to hear other ideas. Character I often hear authors talk about the…
Say What? Writing a novel with more than one point-of-view can be tricky. How can you juggle different personalities and motivations – and somehow use them to tell a balanced, coherent and compelling story? How can you ensure that each character has their own ‘voice’ (something that I find extremely difficult to achieve!)? But does…
There’s something about cats. Yes, in January I burst my eardrum trying to cure the ear mite infection I caught from our two. They wont be sleeping on the bed pillows after that. But I mean more. The truth encapsulated in this post from Jennifer Adcock, writer. “You know who doesn’t get impostor…
Sorry! I’ve been a tad disingenuous with this title because I’m not referring to the act of writing on behalf of others, but rather the literal act of writing about ghosts! Trick, or treat? Of course, there are many ghost stories, especially in the horror genre, but I’ve selected a few from other genres to…
The last few weeks, I have been replaying a video game from my distant past. An old favourite by the name of Final Fantasy VII. I used to play this game almost once a year; I kept going back to it again and again throughout my childhood and often used to inform my imaginative play…
“Do you still see the Bulgarian?” The question tumbled out. “Yes.” Her reply was instant, instinctive, intuitive. “His name is Krasimir.” “Sorry.” He stuttered his response. “I didn’t mean to pry… just a silly question. None of my business. Sorry.” “It’s OK.” She attempted to heal. “I have no problem with your question. It’s not…
Over achievers rarely herald from untroubled upbringings. Being born to a mother with low confidence in her own abilities wouldn’t have been so bad, had she managed an ounce of confidence in her own children. Such is life. The poor woman was bullied by her father. He, in turn, had been emotionally wrecked by the…
Ciao. Getting ready for our two-week trip to Northern Italy. Northern Italy you say. What about the rest of Italy? Well, in due course. A friend of mine recently went to Italy and did the typical, American 9 day, 10 night tour of Italy on a bus. “Bring down your luggage and be on the…
“Aren’t you supposed to be writing?” I shove the nagging question away. The computer will still be there when I return to it, cursor blinking patiently at the top of a blank page. It is Thursday, one of my two weekdays designated for writing. I am cradling a cup of coffee and standing in the…
An Issue of Trust I’ll admit, novels with an unreliable narrator are not everyone’s cup of tea, but I love them. You start off thinking the character is taking us on a believable journey and that we can trust their telling of the events, then unease creeps in. We start asking questions. We wonder where…
Mention the word Trope to us writers and we’ll recoil. Add the word Cliche and you’ll see us running for the hills. These two five-letter words are not what any of us want in our wonderful, new, original, works, right? But consider this: things only become tropes when they are overused, and they only become…
My three psychological novels have unlikeable point-of-view characters. Without balance, they can appear two-dimensional – and I’ve discovered that achieving that balance is rather tricky! What do I mean by balance? I suppose I’m talking in terms of the reader’s perception. Is the character’s dark side countered by a bit of light, or a reason…
I am made of regret, but not of sadness. During my brief and somewhat misguided youth, I spent my money and spoke my mind. I moved countries and continents. I learned languages, had adventures, and spent my life coloring outside the lines. I don’t recommend it unless you want to come back to where you…
A writer friend of mine and I have exchanged writerly encouragement to each other for many years. The most frequent reminder we bounce back and forth is that writing is really hard. We take baffling things in our life, in society, in the world, often stuff that strike us as chaotic, and we try to…
Dear Grandpoppypops Wish you were here? Look at the size of the stamps now! So much larger than the penny black you showed me from your visit. Not much has changed so far as I can see in human structure, society is still set on exploiting other sections of itself. Your industrial revolution really set…
Flann O’Brien’s much-loved character – The Brother – transported to the 21st century. What would he make of contemporary trends and fads? This episode imagines his reaction to Molecular Gastronomy, Nouvelle Cuisine, and the tampering of a subject very close to his heart. ****************** Now the brother has a thing or two to say on…
This is my first post on this forum, so I wanted to do something short and light. What types of distractions interrupt you when you’re hammering away at your keyboard? The phone rings? Your significant other shouts at you from the other side of the house? Your cat comes in and plops down onto your…
Go beyond the usual guide book notes of the Trevi Fountain and savour its unexpected pleasures.
PART ONE Walk through the heart of Rome and you will be lured in one direction and then another as instantaneously as a magnet does with a piece of iron… The Pantheon will attract you with its metaphysical force of the gods, the Foro Imperiale with its magnitude of power… while the Fountain of Trevi…
My first day as a professional writer, I lifted a police report from the pile at the Coffeyville station and read “Murder.” Now, this was a small town, and I was pretty sure this sort of thing was a rarity. I wasn’t sure there had been much in the way of this most heinous of…
First Things First I’ve never understood people who have a favourite song, book or film. Surely your choice depends on your mood. It’s the same with genre. Maybe today I fancy reading something light-hearted and fun. Tomorrow I might want to feel a shiver run down my spine. The next day I might be enticed…
Lucky seven they say, but the morning I had to load that many strong-minded mustangs onto a lorry at the top of the Swiss Alps with a 4am deadline, it seemed a doomed number. Especially when lorry drivers with ferry schedules and EU regulations have famously short fuses. They have been known to back out…
Hands up anyone who’s had a bit of writer’s block? Looking around I can see that’s pretty much all of us, right? Even you at the back, hiding behind your laptop screen, pretending you’re doing research into character types, whilst actually playing Royal Match and posting videos of your cat. Why do we have such…
I’m delighted to give you an early peek into this year’s Litopia Book Club selections, together with relevant purchase links. It’s a particularly strong and carefully-selected list, and as you’ll know if you’ve attended one of Jason’s riotous Zoom sessions, a good time can be guaranteed for all! For further information and exact dates, please…
Selling highly-priced, poor-value seminars and writing courses to aspiring authors isn’t just unethical – it’s also damaging to the publishing industry, says Litopia’s Peter Cox in this article for “The Bookseller” That old scoundrel Sam Brannan would have felt completely at home in today’s publishing business. Sam, you may recall, was the original promoter of…
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