Here I am.  At a turning point again.  Trying to decide whether to be happy or sad, and certain that I will land, as ever, somewhere betwixt the twain. 

I look over my shoulder at the unspooled years, feel my way back along the line like a dark-blinded cave diver searching for the way out.  But it doesn't work that way, does it?  Gravity and curiosity pull you forward, downward, away from the edges of decisions you've made and into unknowns that both terrify and compel.

So I'm trying to learn from the crags I've caught on before, trying to see familiar shapes in the dark and negotiate with experience those dangers that cannot be avoided.  But I pick up new scars anyway, unable to kick away from the wall in time, unable to resist reaching for that muted sparkle, the one that promises treasure but delivers trauma, somehow, every time.  A lesson I refuse to learn.  Ha; take THAT, experience.  I will NEVER grow up.

But I learn.  I recognize the draughts that brush my cheek, telling me which tunnels are safe and which lead to dead ends.  I get better at untangling my line when I make it over the humps that try to foul me even when I've passed them. I keep cutting myself on false gemstones, but I draw back quicker, bleed less, heal faster.  I learn the patterns, respond to the familiar and use it against the unknown.

I guess the scariest thing about this cave is not knowing its depth.  If I knew how far I've left to go, would it change the way I approach the journey?  Is this the halfway point, or only a third?  Do I have three years left, or thirty?  A curious concern; an anxiety that slows rather than hastens.

Does it get harder or easier from here?  I suspect the answer is "neither."  I think you only get better at seeing the patterns, reading the rock.  You remember the landmarks, tend your wounds, and follow gravity as cheerfully as you can, surrendering to inevitability with aplomb rather than panic.

And hope for diamonds along the way.

Submitted for your consideration, this moment of ageing.
Current favorite word: grace
Current least-favorite word: candle