If 1-800-They is Busy, Try U.S. DOLTS
worldper
In the course of human events, at various times, we all arrive at certain hypothetical forks in the road. When a man reaches such a point, he will invariably do so without a road map and under no circumstances will he ask for directions. When a woman reaches such a point, she will invariably acquiesce to the man's strong desire to go one way or the other. She will do this mainly so there will be somebody to blame when he's wrong. After a decision is made and the course is plotted, a milestone will have been reached.
One such milestone occurred a long time ago, and being a man, I confidently, albeit blindly, navigated into a chasm just short of a steep cliff - figuratively speaking of course. The spouse of the house, always keen to acknowledge the obvious, politely pointed out where I went wrong, assumed control, and immediately set things straight by hiding my wallet.
While it is unimportant what the circumstances were in this particular instance - I could relate at least one dumb decision per day for at least the last twenty years where any number of people could have yelled "I told you so!" - what is important is what was said afterward. In this case, my ever forgiving spouse - who by the way is probably the only reason why I am still alive today - simply quoted a little ditty to relieve the stress. She said, "Don't worry. It's just money under the dam."
Money under the dam? Say What?
After a good laugh we both attempted to remember the real cliché. Unfortunately, we had a hard time because these phrases always start with, "You know what they say...," and to be honest, we couldn't recall just exactly what they said. Was it water under a bridge, over a dam, or in our basement. After a while, we began to think that maybe we shouldn't cry over spilled milk that fell in a lake.
Anyway, it started us thinking. Is it a tit for tat or this for that? Is it a penny saved is a penny earned, or is it please pick the coins off the floor so the baby doesn't choke on them. We can't be sure
The dilemma is that nobody really knows who they are. They don't have an address, a phone number, or even a web site. Hence, they can't be reached - I tried calling 1-800-THEY but no one answered - and they obviously prefer anonymity because they're never seen in public. As a matter of fact, they've never consulted me, nor have they ever met me. So, they are being pretty presumptuous to assume that they can dictate what I say. But, then again, I obviously listen to them.
Wait, maybe it's really them and they aren't involved at all. That is a horse of a different color.
Either way, whoever they are, you can be reasonably assured it is not us; because we have no idea where these clichés were derived. We've never made a stitch in nine to save time. Or, was that time marches to the beat of a different drummer? We don't remember. But, I know we've never used haste to make waste, put all our eggs in one basket - we eat egg substitutes that come in cardboard containers, or done something today that could easily be put off until tomorrow.
As you can easily ascertain, it is often impossible to remember all these stupid phrases and equally as impossible to know in what situation it is proper to use them. What is needed here is a guide to silly mundane clichés. And it just so happens that there is a little known federal agency, the US Department of Little Trite Sayings, which goes by the abbreviation of US DOLTS, that puts out such a guide. US DOLTS creates words and phrases that are designed to be used when any person, who is not bright enough to think of something original, needs them.
The guide comes in handy when on the road to success you hit a major pothole. You can then say that adversity makes the man, at which point your wife will point out that she makes the man. She, of course, will be right and then she will hide your wallet before you do any more damage.
The US DOLTS guide will also tell you that after fighting the good fight only to be left at the starting gate of the rat race, it is perfectly acceptable to count your blessings or to stop and smell the roses. This is in contrast to what you really want, which is to blindfold your boss so he can't see the forest for the trees. Then maybe he'll stop breathing down your neck and smack his forehead into an oak tree.
The guide will even explain the dichotomy of residing in a glass house and maintaining a stockpile of stones to be hurled at annoying people while you, in fact, are an annoying person. It will point out that in order to forgive and forget - or to at least allow for the possibility of symmetrical facial bruises - you must turn the other cheek. And, that patience is a virtue, which is a lie. Patience is for those with nerves of steel, not for the faint of heart, like me. Also, the guide says cleanliness is next to godliness, which means I should change my address to 666 Fireball Lane.
What the guide doesn't say is that as the world turns, most of us are getting dizzy. And just where is this guide?
Unfortunately, it is not in printed form. Instead, the guide to the US DOLTS comes to us by word of mouth, which is entirely appropriate for a federal agency. They are all hell-bent on hiding any hint of responsibility. Now you know who they are. The mouths that deliver these ditties, at least initially, are attached to our parents and/or our elders. After that, it, the guide, becomes a part of us. It is a word that can be applied to everything they say. For example, someone might start one of these trite sentences by saying, "it is, after all, what they say."
It is important to note that they, here is that word again, have no idea why they say these things. But that is not important because you know what they say: those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. In other words, do as they say not as they do.
US DOLTS is further responsible for teaching today's young how to describe the complex by way of the simple. For example, after a young MIT student learns everything there is to know about rocket science, and earns a job with NASA building billion dollar explosive devices, he will respond to the press by saying the launch was "cool." After years of studying calculus, the actuary will shun manual arithmetic by purchasing a multi-function calculator because it is "slick." While earlier words, like "wow and "far out" may have outlived their usefulness, US DOLTS has put others such as "tubular" and "radical" in their place.
The bottom line is this: when that next milestone is reached and you've just sold your soul for half price because your wife exercised her prerogative and changed her mind; when you can't catch as catch can but you can catch the flu; when you find the world is your oyster and you inadvertently swallow the pearl; when you realize that all the world's a stage and you find yourself front and center in your underwear; when life shows it true colors as a bowl of prunes, not cherries; when you begin to really love your own mind because its been out to lunch for a while and everyone knows absence makes the heart grow fonder; and when you nearly drown in the rain because a smile makes a lousy umbrella; remember that the final responsibility lies with US DOLTS.
Why, because the devil made us do it.
Litopia is the winner